literature

The beginning.

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WizardOfUnseen's avatar
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Literature Text

The smoke curled into fantastical shapes as Little Timothy watched enchanted by it. It was everywhere. The smoke slowly enveloped the alley in which he stood. "Another building brought down ", thought Little Timothy. He quietly headed home from his routine evening stroll. The way Neon city is slowly encroaching upon the slums reminded him of the way in which water slowly absorbs anything which is smaller than the volume of the water. He walked slowly since he had no intention to get home any minute sooner and face a barrage of rather depressing sights, smells, and swear words. He looked up in the sky to see a zeppelin with an advertising of a new kind of depression medicine that promised to " make all your negative thoughts go away ". Little Timothy is a curious boy of ten who is one of the first one to ask questions in class, and irritated his already irritated parents with multitude of questions.
Little Timothy's life has been rather short and depressing story so far. His one highlight of the day is to open his bedroom window at night and look at Neon city if the smog permits it. When the horizon is clear of smog, he looks awestruck at the giant buildings, the breathtaking bridges; and at night they appear in his dreams. He remembers with fondness, and disgust his trip to Neon City. The sheer number of people that were there struck him. He had seen stores that were bigger than his house. Roads that were so full of cars it seemed that the cars had grown out of them. Buildings those were so full of lights that they blinded him. Buildings that were so high that you could sprain your neck trying to see how tall they were. Light was everywhere in this city. Only in some parts of the city were not well lit. Whispers could be heard in the dark there. In the well-lit areas, there were no secrets and no whispers, only noises loud enough to drown out the thoughts inside your head. This paradox excited him. He could not wait to tell his friends what he had seen. He recalled having to wait for hours in this building that his parents called a bank. They spoke of it with a slight mixture of anger, disgust, and fear. He remembered standing in a line and watching the long queues watching the ceiling. Even the ceiling had lights. Lights that hypnotized him and this led to him thinking about one day having enough money to live in his city of dreams.

Twenty years later.

Shouts can be heard. A man is running. A shot fired. The police come. An arrest. The feeling of disillusionment now gripping his body like a python squeezes its prey. Somewhere inside, a desire for revenge is sparked. A spark that would soon turn into a smoldering rage .
This is a prolouge about a science fiction story which ~the-final-I and I are doing.This one has been written by me,and soon,he will be posting the first chapter.I might change the name of the city or maybe do small tweaks in this in the future as I deem fit.Feedback would be most welcome. :)

The first chapter has been written by ~the-final-I --> link
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firepianosushi's avatar
Hello and welcome to "Critique with Firepianosushi", here for Feedback Week #FeedbackFrenzy :D
Here I will attempt to drop some useful constructive criticism on these worthy works :iconotlplz:

This prologue conveys some powerful imagery, as I was able to imagine the setting quite well. Your descriptions are what made the setting so vivid in my mind. I like your metaphor of the water, and how it will absorb anything smaller. I am guessing that Little Timothy lives at the outskirts of the city, destined to watch the city life from a distance. He seems quiet and mature for his age; I get the feeling that he is somewhat of a small boy from his name and the part that says "Little Timothy's life has been rather short and depressing story so far." I feel like I want to know more about him, and what his past is. The last few sentences holds suspense, and makes the reader want to continue to find out what all the mysterious phrases are all about. Who is that man running? Why does he desire revenge? It's good that the introduction puts these questions into the reader's mind, so that it sparks an interest.

Now, The second paragraph is written partly in present tense and mostly in past tense. A few examples of the present tense ones are:

"His one highlight of the day is to open his bedroom window at night and look at Neon city if the smog permits it."
"He remembers with fondness, and disgust his trip to Neon City."

For the sake of consistency, I would recommend changing all the text before the "Twenty years later" to having all present tense verbs or all past tense. Preferably past tense, because that would nicely contrast the beginning with the rest of the story, which is written in present tense.

Overall, this is a pretty interesting piece, with its vivid descriptions. Little Timothy's character is still rather unknown, and I want to know more about him. This introduction really makes me want to read the other chapters, which I have already done :meow: the only thing that bothers me is the discrepancy with the verb tenses, but that can easily be fixed. Nice job :D

That was "Critique with Firepianosushi". Hope to see you again soon :iconwavingplz: